Another My Immortal commentary!
by MidnightFox8
Summary: Ths girl has butchered the poor story line, and you would probably would like to invest in some eye bleach, if you read it alone. So, I bring you, my commentary! Hopefully you won't need eyebleach for this. (Rated M, for swearing) Veiwer excretion is advised.
1. Chapter 1

**I have read a few of these, and I've actually wanted to jump on the commentary bandwagon~! So I guess just it's going to be rated M, because of swearing.**

~**Midnight**

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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) **(*shrugs* not really)** 2 my gf (ew not in that way) **(you're the one that took it that way.)** raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **(She helped with spelling?!)** U rok! **(SUCK!)** Justin **(Bieber)** ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! **(crap. That's something we have in common)**

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **(what is that?! Like 4 last names? Why do you even need that many?)** and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **(so you just popped out of your mom and had full head o' hair? Seems legit.)** with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) **(I'm out!)**. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie **(annd BOOM! Incest is what would happen)**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **(wouldn't the blood rot your teeth, though?)**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England **(It's actually Scotland, get your damn facts right)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) **(no shit! I thought you were three!)**. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black **(what other colour is there that Goths wear?)**. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there **(and now you're a poser)**. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink **(You do realize that pink is a preppy colour, right?)** fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation **(. . . But your pale)**, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts **(So you wore this at Hogwarts? What about the dress code, you know, long black ROBES and such?)**. It was snowing and raining **(You mean sleet? Or is it hail?)** so there was no sun, which I was very happy about **(So you wouldn't sparkle like a fag)**. A lot of preps stared at me** (Well you did steal there favorite colour.)**. I put up my middle finger at them **(ohhhhh! That'll teach them!)**.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. **(Magically voice from no where~!)** I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly **(Isn't Draco as cocky as fuck? Or did I read something different?)**.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

**Ok, fun times. So please review. I actually had more fun with this small chapter than I thought. ~Midnight**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok. SO chapter two. Enjoy.**

**~Midnight**

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AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **(But I was heating my house with them . . .)**

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. **(Common room, right?)** It was snowing and raining again **(and again, Hail, or sleet)**. I opened the door of my coffin **(it should be a four poster bed.) **and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink **(Ok, now that's super preppy.)** velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on **(Seriously! What happened to the fucking dress code?!)**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears **(Like pain much?)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **(You realize, that on the rules when you join, it says no AN's during the story, right?)** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots** (Again dress code! Fuck it, I hope you trip in those heels)**. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation **(And again! Your already pale!)** and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **(Vampires don't have blood, you dumb shit. SO you wouldn't be able to blush)**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall **(wouldn't he over hear them? Considering that he's Slytherin.)**.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted **(First you blush, then you shout. Okay then)**.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily **(Oh yeah, you **_**soooo**_** don't like him)**.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." **(So a muggle bands playing in a magical community? Again, seems legit.)** he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked. **(Fact: Draco would be like: "Bitch, if it benefits me, then your going")**

I gasped. **(**_**For air. I felt my trachea closing and my vision blackened. In my last breath I sent out a silent prayer, 'Thank you. . .' **_**The end!)**

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**So commentary Part two. Yeah. Anything you all would like me to change? More swearing? Less swearing?**

**~Midnight**


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

**~Midnight**

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AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **(You got good reviews?)** FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **(Don't try to pin this on someone else!)**

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels **(So she put on boots, then put on high heels on them also?)**. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff **(Lace?)** on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms **(She's putting the fishermen out of business)**. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists **(Vampires don't have don't have blood)**. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **(again you don't have blood!)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway **(That didn't stop you the first fucking three times!)**. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **(If a ginger has one, he obviously needs one!)** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants **(So jeans)**, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) **(I only know one boy that wears Eye liner. And he's gay.) **.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666 **(that's not an acceptable license plate)**) and flew to the place with the band **(cool! I want to fly with a band!)**. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs **(Such good role models!)**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car **(And fell to their deaths because they did not park the car.)**. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in bloodThey're all so happy you've arrivedThe doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your momShe sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song **(You don't say)**).

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club **(I thought it was an outside concert.)** with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **(His daddy said that he couldn't have a pony)**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively **(Draco would still be like, "Bitch! You better not!")** and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch **(Agreed)**." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco **(so your telepathic now?)**. After the concert, we drank some beer **(UNDERAGE DRINKING!)** and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled **(Because Benji and Joel's body gaurds broke their legs for sneaking into their dressing rooms)** back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **(and then they crashed into a tree!)**

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**So um, er, review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter four. I've basically written the commentary chapters 1-4 all in one day. *feels accomplished* **

**~Midnight**

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AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **(But you just said Enoby's name is Ebony. . .)** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **(or OOC because of your mary-sue)** dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **(Everything. Duh.)**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. **(And fell to his death!)** I walked out of it too, curiously. **(And you fell to your death also!)**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. **(Is that because you died? Or do you just don't like my narration?)**

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **(Wouldn't they just reflect your self?)**

And then… **(random bouts of epilepsies!)** suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately **(Ok, you are apparently making out with yourself.)**. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree **(I wanna defy gravity like Draco!)**. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra **(*gasp* ! That's so surprising!)**. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **(No, what?)** and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.** (You can't get warm. YOU DON'T HAVE FUCKING BLOOD!)** And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" **(Is this Snape?)**

It was….Dumbledore! **(HOLY CRAP! A HARD CORE DUMBLEDORE?! I LOVE THIS STORY!)**

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**I'm happy with this. I like it.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**~Midnight**

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AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **(Or it just means you have great judgment skills)** Da **(Russian word for yes~!)** only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **(And the stories over)**

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.** (love hardcore Dumbledore~!)**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **(That's actually a real condition)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry. **(They must be telepathic, he didn't even tell them what was up!)**

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **(I thought he be would super excited. . .)**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" **(She spelt that right!)** asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape. **(Why is Snape** **nicer than fucking McGonagall, and Dumbledore?!)**

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **(OOC!)**

Everyone was quiet. **(Every awkward silence a gay child is born!)** Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **(So Snape doesn't give a crap? He's ok if they just have intercourse?)**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us. **(NO FUCKING DUH!)**

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently. **(He'd still be like; "BITCH! YOU GOT US COUGHT!")**

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black heels **(You're going to bed in that?!)**. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte **(GAYYYYYY)**. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed **(**_**Then as he got close to you, he took out a knife and started to stab you over and over**_**)**. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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**OK, how OOC can you get?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter six**

**~Midnight**

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AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. **(No shit! I thought You woke up in a tree!)** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end **(Slut)** and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears **(Wouldn't you burn?)**. I spray-painted my hair with purple **(Wouldn't that screw it up?)**.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk **(Nutritious)**, and a glass of red blood **(I thought it was blue, though. . . .)**. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **(What the hell happened to Hogwarts?) **He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **(You were going down his face? Ewwwww)** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **(NO!)** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore **(She didn't!)**. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **(Girls actually can get erections, you dumb ass)**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, **(SHE FUCKING DID IT!)** although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.

"Why?" I exclaimed. **(Questioned)**

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **(Don't giggle. You're a fucking Goth!)**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **(RAWR! IMMA TIGUR!)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **(He gonna rape you?)**

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**So, uh, Review?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven. Enjoy. Oh, and I would like to say, that I love seeing all of the countries that you readers are from~! I spotted a few from Estonia, Most of you seem to be from America, Britain, and I saw one from Ireland~! It fills my heart with warm fuzzies to see all the different people reading my story~**

**~Midnight**

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AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **(You can get tin reviews? I want silver ones!)** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **(And if we were to do that as a guest?)** Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **(She's still a Mary sue)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish **(How do you see the signs then?)** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u? **(Yes)**). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco **(Does that mean that Harry wanted to go out with Draco? *gasp* DRARRY FANGIRL!)**. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically **(Nonchalant then excitement?)**. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **(Ouch!)** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid? **(VERY MUCH!)**)

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm **(It was probably the dark mark)**. It was a black heart with an arrow through it **(Voldemort must have some weird tastes, in this girls mind)**. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!

I was so angry.

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **(Wouldn't that hurt? Considering that he never. . . Er, exited you?)**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **(YOU KNOW NOTHING!)**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **(And now you do too! Congratufuckinglations! *sarcastic clapping*)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what **(No what? Is it a toothbrush~?)** but I was too mad to care **(That he had a toothbrush?)**. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people **(How did you magically know his class that he was in?)**.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **(Technically, he's a Dracofucker)**

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**Review for more derp?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**~Midnight**

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AN: stop flassing ok! **(What's Flassing?)** if u do de prep!

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Everyone in the class stared at me **(I wonder why)** and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **(DRACO IS COCKY AS FUCK! WE'VE ASTABLISHED THIS!)**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly **(?)**. She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood **(Her eyes are like blood?)** that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on **(BUT YOUR PALE!)**. Hermione **(o.o NO!)** was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide **(NOT THE DENTIST!)** because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith **(generic) **and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. **(NOT EVERYONE IN SLYTHERIN IS A SATONIST!)**)

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. **(As close to in character as we'll get)**

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **(So, you were going out with Vampire? Am I missing something?)**

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **(. . .POV change? At least when I did that when I started out, I signified who's POV it was)** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) **(TMI and, Shhhh! It's Draco)** for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney **(S. Pears.)**, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep. **(But you did date one)**)

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **(LIES! The Drarry Fans are hating you!))**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility** (Your manliness!)** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **(GOOD! CRY! CRY I SAY!)**

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**I'm really a delight to be around.**


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